wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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