I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
