Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
