No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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