Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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