what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
