finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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