My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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