i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
