Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
only you would photoshop your dick
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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