It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
