im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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