I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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