I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
