So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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