Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
