When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
