just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
