yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
