she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dignity is for republicans.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
