its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
