Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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