the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
