I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
