I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
