don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
