Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
