I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
