ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
