dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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