God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
