Pregnant stripper...not hot.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
