it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Vodka?
Forever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
