No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
