farters have to be the big spoon...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
