I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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