The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
