You smell like a Billy Joel song
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
