No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
