Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
