I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
