I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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