I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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