then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
