We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
