You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
