she woke up with a sticky ear
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
