1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
