Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
