Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
